If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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