i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
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Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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