Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
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She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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