Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
