I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
50% drunk capacity currently
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
