Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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