He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
