Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
