So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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