sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
