I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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