I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
