I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
