dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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