Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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