No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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