Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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