do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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