Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
