i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
