I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
