Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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