She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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