This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
