My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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