8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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