saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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