So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
