Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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