I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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