sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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