if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
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we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
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In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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