Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
