I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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