I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So much rum. So many feels.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
