I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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