haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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