Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
