how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
