Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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