I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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