There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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