he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
