Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
