3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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