I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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