Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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