She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
