I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
