I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
