Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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