I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
