btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
