I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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