I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
